New Olympic Sports
Greetings. This will be the first in a series of reports I’ll be writing on the upcoming Torino Olympic games. Now, I know we’re two..three, four….four or five months away, something like that…uh, 150 days to go, but I have a mission to accmplish with these Olympics and I need to start early. I want the International Olympic Committee to introduce new sports for the 2006 Winter Olmypics.
`But Steve’, I can hear you saying, `they already have all kinds of sports in the Olympics.’ Yes, but many of them honk the casbah, so to speak. The Summer Olympics mainly has sports that are time-tested and traditional, sports they used to perform in ancient Greece where the Olympics originated, like the discus, the javelin, the 100-metre dash and trying not to get a sunburn on your willie. While I would certainly never want to criticize sports like this, there are some sports, perhaps, maybe, just possibly, that are boring as snot.
Now, even though I’m fairly athletic, I am not known to be as into televised sports as some people, such as my girlfriend. Whenever there’s an Olympic games on, I don’t see her for three weeks, during which time she sits in the living room and screams at the t.v. When she’s doing this, I’m working on needlepoint. I’m sorry, but I just need to have really high-octane sports if they’re going to catch my attention long enough for me to sit through the whole thing, which is the purpose of today’s post.
The Winter Olympics, being a modern invention, are not so tied up in tradition and have many unconventional sports, which tend, in my opinion, to be a hell of a lot more exciting, but there’s still room for improvement. I realise it’s probably too late to institute new sports for these Olympics, but it’s likely still possible to work in a few key changes to make some of the sports more visually entertaining. I offer, in my own humble way, the following suggestions:
-Modify biathlon so that instead of shooting at targets with their rifles, the skiers shoot at each other.
-Change slalom downhill skiing so that the competitors are on mountain bikes instead of skis and give them javelins to throw at each other.
-Make cross-country skiing, the most visually mind-numbing sport besides seniors golf, more exciting by throwing in some rodio clowns. They wouldn’t serve any purpose except pure entertainment.
-Greece down the ski jumpers in lard, just to see if it makes them go faster.
-Make convicted child molesters go down the skeleton runs, just for kicks. It would give the normal competitors more time in rehab.
Well, that’s all I have for today, just my little contribution to the sporting world. Stay tuned for my next post on New Olympic Sports, when I’ll be discussing a new sport of my own invention, Full-Contact Offroad Philosophy.