When Reality Knocks

In previous posts I tried to cover some of the basic things that one should try to do to improve ones chances of survival. There are many other elaborate lists of both things on the web. Today we are going to do something different. What about the situation when we are not the survivor of the trauma but have a friend or mate who is? Let’s talk about things we can do to help her/his recovery. This list is taken from a handout distributed by occupational health and safety.

The first thing one can do occurs before the event. One needs to learn about traumatic stress. It is only when you have a basic knowledge of the event that you can really empathize with someone else.

Encourage the traumatized person to talk. Don’t be demanding, but let them know that you genuinely want to hear about what they have experienced. Be open to whatever they need to talk about.

Having said the above, don’t be intrusive. “How are you doing?” “How are you feeling?” Give them room to say whatever they wish. Remember too that they may not seem to be talking about what you think is the most important thing. Let them lead the way. They see things from their own unique point of view.

Let their emotions flow as they need to. Do not be afraid of expressions of extreme emotions. They may experience extreme anger or grief or anguish. They may need to cry uncontrollably. Let them let it out. Don’t judge them even if the strength of their feelings scares you. Letting the feelings out is helping them heal. They may need to express such strong feelings several times. It is normal and healing.

Don’t pretend to know how they are feeling. But you can honestly say how you are feeling. “I feel so sorry that you have to go through this.” “I imagine that you must be hurting really badly.”

Don’t make any false promises. Hear them out. Let them talk about their fears, anxieties, terrors, and sadness. Don’t promise that tomorrow, everything will be all right.
Don’t use religion to pretend that everything is all right.

Don’t minimize their situation. They do not need your explanation, just your presence.

Make sure they are healed. Encourage them to continue to talk with a counselor. Many people need to talk weekly for some time.

Take care of yourself. You are a co-survivor. You have been brought into the crisis by the victim and are stressed as well. Let the pressure off.

Has anyone had an experience like this?

This entry was posted on Wednesday, September 7th, 2005 at 10:31 pm and is filed under Relationships, Communication, Hearts and Minds, Critical Incident Stress. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.