When Reality Knocks

Welcome to Part II of Steve’s University Survival Guide. Today I’ll be dispensing some hard won `insider information’ on university life that you won’t find anywhere else, because I’m making most of it up. It’s what I do.

Many university students get part-time jobs to supplement their finances, but it’s sometimes difficult to know where to start. I’ve broken it down here by gender.

Female:
-Cocktail waitress. This may seem like a slightly seedy job, with waitresses being objectified and hit on constantly by drunken idiots, but that’s misleading. It’s actually incredibly seedy. A friend of mine bar tended/waitressed for two clubs run by the same people, a couple years back. One club was a traditional bar which was fairly clean and everything was pretty well on the level and the other was a nasty-ass dance bar where they made her wear a super short skirt, knee-high boots and a shirt two sizes too small. It was one of the dance bars where the STD s are airborne, where you can get gonorrhea of the eyeballs just by standing around. She lasted about a week. I would have lasted an hour.
-Porn. This is a constantly growing field, with many jobs in different sorts of productions for the enterprising female university student (see link here).You probably wouldn’t want to tell your parents about this one.

Male:
-There are no jobs for male university students. Please see yesterday’s post about minoring in bank robbing.

Many females worry about their safety and there are many safety concerns. I have done some research on this problem, polled all my female friends and I think I can distill their advice down to a couple of points. When dealing with all the hazards of sexual assault, wide-spread use of the date-rape drug, depression and back-stabbing dorm cattiness, the 3 steps To Staying Safe At College are:

1)Be a kung fu master.
2)Carry a bazooka.
3)Spend all four years in a bunker.

I went back and asked the same girls what they thought of my advice, and they thought it would work, but it was a little extreme. Apparently I missed the point. My girlfriend Meghan says I do that a lot. So here, with expanded input from actual females, are the amended 4 Things Females Need To Know To Get Through College:

1)When you go downtown, always go with humongous groups of other girls. The idea for staying safe in a bar is similar to what you see in military movies, where soldiers go into a hostile environment in a big circle with their backs all facing inwards, so that hostiles can’t sneak up on them and mick their drinks or grab their butts. This is pretty well the same way girls dance in bars, the only major difference being that enemy soldiers are less likely to throw up on you. Usually.

2) You must master the Withering Look Of Disdain. This is something most females are good at from the time they’re about 14 and is similar to what males dread as `the look‘, but it’s important to perfect your technique. The difference is that where the look is used to subtlety indicate to a man that he is a blithering idiot and that he won’t be getting any this presidential administration, the whithering look of disdain is more aggressive. It is used to make a drunk guy who is trying to hit on a group of girls go away, by giving him the unmistakable impression that you would rather slow-dance with Hitler than be in the same room with him. If the guy is too drunk and/or too stunned to pick up on this subtle body language, it can be followed up with the Whithering Kick To The Nuts, which is usually more effective.

3) There is a subtle trick to going downtown to dance with the girls. What you do, is you get dressed up so you look like a million bucks. Then you all go downtown for the express purpose of attracting guys whom you will then hit with the whithering look of disdain, to indicate that the last thing you’d ever want to do is attract a male. Many guys are drunken idiots, but, in defense of my gender, we’re also terribly confused:(

4) All females, by federal law, are now required to have at least one torrid drunken lesbian sexual affair in residence, which everyone in the dorm will immediately find out about.

Note for guys: All guys are required to have one drunken sexual experiment with another guy, which no one, ever, anywhere will ever, ever find out about. Ever.

This leaves only one major issue of college life to cover and that is how to get horrendously, stupifyingly, irretrievably, unforgivably drunk. One thing to understand is that there is having a few drinks and then there is getting plastered and waking up with a hangover. These are very common activities for students and real people alike, but there are another two levels of drunkenness. You can get so drunk that you loose every friend you have, pee on your date, do a little solo naked line-dancing on the speakers and in the end, wind up in the disgusting bathroom of a disgusting bar vomiting out your colon. Most people like to stick to the first two levels of drunkenness, though a lot of people try the third level once and after a three-day hangover vow never to do it again. There is a forth level of drunkenness, where you wake up in a U.S. Army field hospital wearing a bunny outfit and covered in streamers following a stomach pumping and full blood transfusion and somebody tells you that you successfully ran for mayor of Tijuana. Trust me, this level just ain’t worth it. You wouldn’t believe all the stuff a mayor has to do.

Good luck students!:)

This entry was posted on Wednesday, August 31st, 2005 at 12:07 pm and is filed under Personal Growth, Lifestyle and Technology, Parents and children. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.