What did you say?
I just came from the grocery store where two women were talking seriously in the isle. One said clearly to the other: “and you don’t use it on the outside but only on the inside.”
The second responded: “That is right. You only use it on the outside.”
I didn’t interfere, but thought that this is a typical example of what passes for communication among us. Over the years I have seen endless couples who seemed to be unable to communicate about anything that mattered. They could communicate about day-to-day things but were unable to talk about anything with an emotional charge attached to it.
Some of these people even come to therapy saying that their main problem is that they cannot communicate. What happens is that one partner says something, the other, like the woman in the store responds thinking they have heard the first accurately, when they didn’t. After that, things go downhill.
I have had people come for therapy who say that last night or last week, after 10-20-30 years of marriage they had the same fight they had on their honeymoon. They even are aware that they used some of the same words as in that first fight.
Sometimes, in something close to desperation, I suggest that they try something new for a week. I suggest that when one person says something that the second repeat the comment ,so that the first person knows that they were heard, and so that there be no miscommunication. Sometimes they will agree quite heartily to do so but I have never had anyone cone back and tell me that that worked and that they now understand each other.
It is much deeper than that and we will be talking much more about how this happens when we get our site up.
That is my experience. What has yours been like?