Let’s all feel better about ourselves.
Greetings all. Sorry I’ve been off the map lately, I’ve been fighting a Summer cold/flu thing. It’s not by choice, it’s just that it’s the “in” thing these days, all the celebrities are doing it. Jon bon Jovi has a cancour sore, John Stewart has the gout and Britney Spears has the worst case of fetus you’ve ever seen. Really. It has just occured to me that, feeling fairly light-headed and incoherent, I may not be making a whole lot of sense, a million monkeys riding the bus to Disneyland. That’s o.k., this will be a short post aimed at making us all feel better about ourselves.
The thing about the internet, is that it provides an almost endless parade of people doing stupid, sometimes violent, things and it’ll never fail to make you feel better about your own life to read about them. Sorry, this is the best I can do for uplifting today.
Our first example of how you could be doing something much worse with your time comes from Texas, where a man spent two years and 1100 hours constructing a BBQ pit shaped like a giant 6-shooter rifle. Really. Honestly. Apparently the man likes both his guns and his BBQ. I can only guess that if you could BBQ things by shooting at them, he’d be in Heaven.
As we continue, I’m increasingly thinking that I’m not making any sense, but I’m doing better than this poor sod: This enterprising young gentleman glued $100000 in heroine to his head and tried to sneak it into the United States from Columbia. Airport security were tipped off because there was a very stupid 19 year old man wearing a bad toupe loaded with smack. Bravo, {clap, clap}.
And as we reach the end of disjointed, probably nonsensical post designed to make us all feel better about our lives, I leave you with an extensive study which claims to prove that approximately 1/3 of all major studies are wildly innaccurate. Yes sir, a major study shows that most major studies are wrong. A major study…proves…uh…{sigh, clap, clap}. At least none of us spent our valuable time putting this masterpiece together.
Well, that’s best I can do today people, my best attempt to make us all feel better. And as the room spins slightly and I look longingly at my bed, I remain, faithfully yours,
Slick Elmont, Defender of the Northern Kingdom
November 26th, 2005 at 5:11 pm
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