Extroverted and introverted partners
Carolyn asks a very important question in her comment on my last post. Stephen makes an attempt to respond to her question and, although it is done tongue in cheek, does a pretty good job.
There does seem to be a difference between men and woman, whether it is constitutional or learned is the question. I have always been amazed how woman talk about everything. Men just do not tend to do that. Sports, the market, and projects pretty much cover our concerns. I assume that woman get a lot of support from each other. Generally speaking woman seem to have a lot more friends than men. Outside of work, men frequently do not have any friends.
I will talk about this issue much more in future posts, but there is another issue that I want to mention. Some of our problem between the sexes arises out of something very fundamental, our personality type. The site that we will be starting shortly has an animated questionnaire that helps people discover their type. Helping people discover their personality type has been the most best tool I have discovered in 25 years of doing couple therapy.
For the past ten years, I have also been teaching about type for couples taking a pre-marriage course. Invariably they said it had opened many windows into communication for them.
One very basic difference between people is that many of us are primarily focused on the outer world, and many of us are primarily focused on the inner world. One researcher suggests that 75% of Americans are extroverts (the outward focused people), and 25% of Americans are Introverts (the inward focused). Extroverted people find it essential to focus on what is happening around them, what people are saying, and their response to it. Introverts are focused on largely on their reactions to the outer world. These differences between people seem to be equally spread over the two sexes.
The way it works is that the extroverted partner is interested in organizing and ordering their experience in the world. Introverts are the very opposite. They are interested in taking their experience inside and sorting it out in a very private way. If they respond to their partner’s conversation they tend to be slow, thoughtful, or even silent.
Often when an extroverted partner brings up an issue the introvert doesn’t seem to respond. Often what they are doing is thinking about the issue. So they respond slowly and the extrovert may get frustrated thinking they are not going to respond again. So the cycle of misunderstanding goes around again. This pattern can build up enormous frustration and anger in both partners for the very opposite reasons. I know that this is just a very brief treatment issue of this very important issue, but it may open some doors.
That is the way I see it. What has your experience been like?