When Reality Knocks

Greetings. A great number of people have difficulty with computers and with technology in general and in an effort to alleviate some of these problems, I proudly present the first entry in the When Reality Knocks Lifestyle and Technology Guide. Today’s topic: How to deal with everyday computer problems.
I work with computers and so don’t find them frightening, unless they’re the kind that can launch missile attacks, but I have observed that many older people find them positively terrifying. I have helped fix many, uh, unique computer problems and I have come to understand that older people and younger people (that is, the people who screw up computers and the people who have to fix them) think about computers in fundamentally different ways. Young people tend to look at computers as powerful data-processing and communications tools which can allow you to almost effortlessly build and maintain business and personal relationships with others all over the world and look at pictures of naked people, whereas older people tend see computers more as devices designed specifically to destroy their lives, much as medieval peasants would have seen the iron maiden or the rack.
I have come to understand that it is this conceptual difference that acts as a communications barrier when the younger generation has to come along and fix the older generation’s computer problems. It is with this in mind that I present 8 Easy Steps To Demystifying Computers, in an effort to bridge the technology gap between young and old and generally get older people to stop hitting their computers with sledgehammers.
I should say to begin with that I realize many older people are feeling left behind by the technological revolution, but a computer is just another tool for improving our lives, like a blender, or a water bra. The only difference is that a computer costs a small fortune and can destroy your tax return. Actually, so can a blender. No mind, onward:

1) The first step when encountering any computer problem is to panic immediately. Thinking calmly and rationally will only create more problems.

2) Remember: The computer can hear you and so first thing, try swearing at it.

3) If you do have to phone a young person, such as a son or daughter, to ask for help with fixing your computer, there’s no need to be clear and specific about the problem. “The thing on the thing won’t work,” or “I can’t find the stuff” is more than adequate. We are mind-readers. Nouns are unnecessary.

4) If you are unable to get the printer to respond, the first thing you should do is grab your screwdriver set and take it apart. Your children won’t mind at all coming home to rebuild your printer. It’s a treat, really.

5) If at first a cable will not fit into a socket on the back of the computer, force it. Cables are not made to exacting standards and are pretty much interchangeable. Just give it a good shove, it’ll go in.

6) If you have to phone tech support, please assume that the tech support technician is personally responsible for your problem and is trying to destroy your life. Accuse him. They find that cute.

7) If the computer is unresponsive, try telling a `when I was a kid’ story about horses and tractors and how they never gave you these problems. Stories about crops almost always give useful insight into technical problems.

8) Make no effort to organize your files. Store them in the most inappropriate places on your hard drive to make sure they will be impossible to find later. This is part of the fun of computers, spending hours trying to find important files. Think of it like a data Easter-egg hunt.

Well, that should just about do it. I hope that this has helped to clear up any misconceptions about computers. To help you in the future, print out this list and keep it handy. I guarantee it will make things easier.

Next week: How to not panic when your cell phone rings.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, August 2nd, 2005 at 9:15 am and is filed under Personal Growth, Lifestyle and Technology. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.